I'm not the type of person to share my innermost thoughts on this blog. Usually it's just a place for us to share the happenings of our lives and post cute pictures of the kids. However, today I've been thinking about a few things related to my pregnancy and I felt like sharing them, if not just to have them on record.
1. This pregnancy seems 10x harder than the last two. I'm sure I've got selective memory or something and I'm not letting myself remember the bad parts of the last two pregnancies, but this one seems to be so much harder. First of all, I've been sick pretty much nonstop for the last month. Bronchitis, sinus infection, stomach bug, etc. And as I'm sure other moms can attest, being sick AND pregnant is worse than just being sick or just being pregnant. It seems like it takes FOREVER to get over an illness. It's caused me to be lazy, unmotivated, and grouchy, which is no fun for my poor family to deal with. Bill, of course, has been endlessly patient with my mood swings, and has picked up the slack a number of times with either the housework or taking care of the kids. Luckily I haven't had things like morning sickness or other pregnancy-related problems to deal with on top of all the illness, so I guess I should be grateful because it could be worse. Still, I'm looking forward to being healthy again.
2. I'm more fearful and nervous about this pregnancy. With Will I was super excited and ready to tackle motherhood head-on, mostly because I didn't know what to expect or what I was getting myself into. When we had Kayla I thought to myself "Ok, I can do this. 2 can't be that much harder than 1, right?" There were obviously things we had to change when transitioning from 1 to 2, like figuring out rooming situations and buying more things, but it seemed manageable (again, I probably have selective memory, but that's how I remember feeling). However, with this pregnancy I'm a lot more nervous, stressed, and overwhelmed. For example, after the fiasco with Kayla's birth (24 hours of labor with no epidural, followed by an emergency c-section), I'm more worried about what this delivery is going to be like. We're doing our best to prepare ahead of time and talk to the right people, but I'm still super worried. Second of all, for some reason I've been thinking about where I will be (and where Bill will be) when I go into labor. I don't know why this is making me nervous but it is. I keep thinking "Ok, what if I go into labor during the middle of church and everyone sees me freak out" or "what if Bill is teaching his class, or is in the middle of a meeting and can't get home in time and I have to deliver at home or go to the hospital in an ambulance." And of course there are the fears of how the kids will adjust to having a baby in the house. Both Will and Kayla can be super hyper and crazy at times, and I worry about how the baby (and I) will handle that, especially on the days when I am sleep-deprived, or the baby is sick or something.
3. I'm worried about me. Like I said before, I've been really grouchy and moody during this pregnancy, and it doesn't always have to do with being sick. I'm pretty sure I've got some sort of depression, plus being overwhelmed with housework and taking care of my family. I know that some of my problems are probably my fault, because I'm not always the best at making sure I get enough sleep or that I get the right nutrition, but it just feels like life is spinning out of control at times and I don't know how to stop it or slow it down. I've asked Bill for priesthood blessings a few times, and I try to pray and stay close to the Spirit, but there are days when all I want to do is sleep or veg and let my family take care of themselves.
Now in writing all this, I don't necessarily want people to feel sorry for me or write an epistle in the comments on how to deal with these problems. I am excited about having this baby and seeing how she fits into our family. Mostly I'm just venting and writing things down for posterity, especially if Bill and I decide to have more kids in the future. Getting these things off my chest makes me feel a little better, so I think this post was mostly for me. You are welcome to comment, call, email or visit if you feel the need. I do appreciate it when people try and make me feel better. Thanks for listening.
